In 2008 I spent the summer on Palm Beach. It was very off-season. Rainy, hot, and no one on the beaches. The mansion off Ocean Avenue was a big change from my previous place of residence, Pattaya, Thailand. I also living alone instead of dividing my time between two women; girlfriend #1 and our daughter and my pregnant mia noi. My only companion was a crackhouse Airedale, Pom Pom. I phoned Thailand everyday and sent money to both women once a week. It was not enough. You don’t get paid much to take care of a crazy dog, even if it was on the most wanted list of Palm Beach county for mauling poodles.

My friend Lisa had arranged this job.

She was a single mom. This status didn’t win any sympathy for my situation and every day she criticized my lack of decision.

“You’ll have to make a choice one day.”

“But not today.” Thailand was 9000 miles away. I barely had enough money for a cheap 1.5 liter of wine let alone a round trip ticket to Bangkok. This rationale was unacceptable to her code of ethics. I did my best to not tell her ‘hoop bargh’ or shut up in Thai, but she was relentless.

One afternoon we rode over to the Thailand grocery on Dixie Highway to pick up Thai food. Lisa mentioned to the owner that I had lived in Thailand. The woman asked where and I told her Chainat and Jomtien.

“Why two places?”

“Because he has two wives,” Lisa answered the question for me.

“You are very Thai. Who you love #1? Mia noi?”

“Yes.” My admission was easy since my wife had done many bad things over our 6 years together. I was no saint, but her list had sins forgivable without being forgettable.

“Should he tell #1 about #2?” Lisa thought now she had an ally.

“Tell for what? For hurt two people. No way. Better to say nothing.” The woman was in her 50s. She had lived in America over 30 years. Her family was from Ban Nok same as both my wives. She understood country ways. “If he tell wife #1 she angry and maybe cut off his penis.”

“Cut off his penis?” Lisa crunched up her face like she hadn’t heard right.

“Yes, Thai lady not want man have sex with other lady. She cut off penis and feed to ducks. Better you say nothing.” She looked at me earnestly as if to say never tell the truth until you have to. “Not telling truth not same telling lie. No one get hurt. Not him. too.”

It was sound advice from 9000 miles away, but in 2009 I was in Thailand having to be two places at once. I spent the final week with my mia noi. She doesn’t like this status for herself and our son Fenway. One night I showed her pictures of Fenway Park on the internet. She said it was suay and understood why I named out son after the Fed Sox baseball park.I don’t think it was the truth, but it sounded good.

The next afternoon I left Jomtien for Chai-nat. A four-hour bus ride. More beset by trepidation than fear. My girlfriend said she wanted me to tell the truth. I want to do the same, but sometimes the truth was best said when no one is listening. Especially when my penis was on the menu for ducks.

Cave canard which is a mix of Latin and French for ‘beware of the duck’.