Alice is very disturbed the progress of her senior project THE GENTLEMEN FROM VERONA at EST. She hates everyone. Mostly herself. She started on me, as we walked away from CBGBs. She had once more been made to pay. I never did. I had wanted to stay to see Patti Smith, but Alice was still recovering from her drink at the Four Gemini party two nights ago. Too much Jack Daniels. same for me. I was only drinking beer.

“I hate you get in for free. Why? It’s not that you’re anyone.”

“Can’t you channel that hatred?” Most people transfer their self-hatred to the one closest.

“What do you know? Are now a psychiatrist?”

“No, I know nothing.” I readily accepted my role as whipping boy. My adolescence had two years of bullying and my self-esteem was still scarred by the beatings.

“Nothing?”

Alice had her own issues. Like mine they never saw the light of day or the depth of darkness.

We’re on the Bowery and silently head over to West 11th Street. She hated my SRO. I hated it too.

yeah ask myself doesn’t stop bending her anger at me for over a month is the breaking point because I came upstairs to get my contacts Alice thought I was leaving for CBGBs. we walked back to my SRO. she said, “Fuck you. You expect me to come upstairs?”

“You can go home.”

“I don’t want to be alone.”

I didn’t either. We entered. The desk clerk didn’t lift his head from the Post. Probably had it turned to the horses. I didn’t say hello.

“I hate this place.”

I hated her sublet. I might have been there once. She shared a room and thought her lesbian roomie wanted to fuck me. Both of us. She wasn’t my type and I loved Alice. not that I didn’t have sex with other women. I was sure Alice did too.

On the 4th floor we stripped naked. I threw her a towel.

“Shower.”

There was a grimy shared bathroom in the hallway. This late at night is was free. The water ran hot and long. I soaped her back and ass, then turned around, so she didnt see my erection.

We returned to the room. my feet stuck to the linoleum floor. Alice lay back, her belly pouting. Legs apart, blonde hair rimming her vagina. I stuffed the towel over my groin.

When I turned away seconds later her voice broke,

“Don’t hit me.”

“You stupid fucking bitch. Who do you think I am? A rapist? You say you love me , but fantasize about me raping you. I’m not that man. That’s all you care about. getting fucked like an animal. Go find someone else to fulfill your fantasy. Someone else to use.”

I pushed her away.

“Don’t hit me, please.” She was begging me to be hit like the heroine of THE STORY OF O.