This afternoon I ran into Alice and her shrewish girlfiend on St. Mark’s. I coldly greeted my love. I tried to kiss me and she turned the cheek. I’m pissed she stayed in Chinatown with Tom and the Bitch, but I know Tom wouldn’t try anything. We are real friends. I could see she was hurt and I know that she doesn’t deserve such treatment. We walked back to 256 with the bitch tailing us. I didn’t invite her up and neither did Alice. Upstairs Alice sat on the sofa and started crying. I thought it was about the fight at Irving Plaza, but she whimpered, “I’m late for my period.”
“How long?”
“A week.”
“Is that long?” I was ignorant of pregnancy. When my father announced in 1960 that my mother had given birth to a baby boy, I wasn’t flabbergasted, since I hadn’t even noticed she was carrying a child.
“No, but I’ve never missed my period.”
“What do you want to do?” Everything was up to her, but I liked the idea of having a baby with her, but I didn’t tell her that I faked many orgasms, because I couldn’t cum. That truth didn’t seem righ to say now.
“Nothing right now?”
“Does your friend Susan know?”
“No.”
I knew that was a lie.
“Please don’t tell anyone.”
“Not a soul.”
I tried to touch her in comfort. She retched away from me, as if I were a monster who had devoured her dreams. She was only 22 and her whole life and all her dreams were on fire. I sat on the sofa and picked up TROPIC OF CANCER. I needed to escape the now and wished I was in Paris then or now. The novel is an excellent guide to float in a world of heavy winds.
Later.
That evening Anthony asked, “Do you think Alice and that bitch are pussy bumping?”
I thought it was over and said, “No.” Disappointing Anthony’s pornographic fantasy. He was seeing Alice’s college friend, Alexa, but they were just friends.
“I was just wondering.”
Alice would tell me , if she was. She’s like that.”
Alice tells me, because she’s scared of me. Except for the few times with the Bitch, she has remained faithful, although a few times when I touched her she felt as if she had been with someone else. Paranoia. I wish I could say I had been as faithful.
Later.
Sean called to say that there was work for the next two days.
“I wish there was more.”
“So do I.” It’s okay, I might get enough to pay my share of the rent.
Pearl Harbor Day approaches, but the day of infamy has never forgotten by most people and most Americans like in 1941 don’t know where it is.
My ribs ache from the beating at Irving Plaza. Alice and I fought over that fight. She thought it was my fault. I shook my head and said, “Fuck off, why would I fight five people at once.”
Her silent answer was that I was crazy and she started crying.
“I can’t wait for this show to be over.” She is so worried about a possible pregnancy.
I’m so happy I’m not an actor. I’m nothing and happy to be in the shadows out of the limelight.
Psycho-Loss
Amnesia let down
Words morals gone
Arson in the brain
Acid running across my synapses
Fighting off the memories
Psychic loss – First degree and getting hotter.
Tomorrow we’re having the first NRP CONGRESS to discuss goals and beliefs.
Possible members Alice, Anthony, To Scully, the Bitch, Kim David, her sister Kyle,Patrick, Joseph Curtin, Michael Selbach, Dana Krystol, BeeGee, Grant Stiit, Guadalcanal, and Lang.I suspect we will go nowhere.
Foto from EV Grieve