Fourteen years ago John Tierney, a right-wing pundit, had been hired by the NY TIMES to attract readership from the Fox News suburbs. I had been angered at the Times publishing this head-in-the-sand Op-Ed piece. The Grand Old Lady had dropped her knickers for the SUV mass-suicidists of America. I hadn’t written a rebuttal back then, but I’m Irish and we like to strike later, because as a tribe of poets our clan have vengeful memories running back and forth through the millenia and there’s nothing better than to strike when your enemy never knew you.
My retorts shall in CAPs
SUMMER VACATION 2008 by John Tierney
For most of the year, it is the duty of the press to scour the known universe looking for ways to ruin your day. The more fear, guilt or angst a news story induces, the better. But with August upon us, perhaps you’re in the mood for a break, so I’ve rounded up a list of ten things not to worry about on your vacation.
I AGREE WITH HIS ACCUSATIONS OF THE FEAR-MONGERING PRESS
Now, I can’t guarantee you that any of these worries is groundless, because I can’t guarantee you that anything is absolutely safe, including the act of reading a newspaper. With enough money, an enterprising researcher could surely identify a chemical in newsprint or keyboards that is dangerously carcinogenic for any rat that reads a trillion science columns every day.
WHILE NEWSPAPERS CONTAIN HARMFUL INKS, READING THEM IS ONLY DANGEROUS IF YOU BELIEVE ALL THE LIES.
What I can guarantee is that I wouldn’t spend a nanosecond of my vacation worrying about any of these 10 things:
1. Killer hot dogs. What is it about frankfurters? There was the nitrite scare. Then the grilling-creates-carcinogens alarm. And then, when those menaces ebbed, the weenie warriors fell back on that old reliable villain: saturated fat.
I LOVE HOT DOGS FROM THE GRILL, HOWEVER WE USED TO THINK THAT THE MEAT PACKERS JUST DROPPED WHOLE COWS IN A MANGLER AND POOPED EVERYTHING OF THE COW OTHER THAN THE MOO INTO THE SKINS.
But now even saturated fat isn’t looking so bad, thanks to a rigorous experiment in Israel reported this month. The people on a low-carb, unrestricted-calorie diet consumed more saturated fat than another group forced to cut back on both fat and calories, but those fatophiles lost more weight and ended up with a better cholesterol profile. And this was just the latest in a series of studies contradicting the medical establishment’s predictions about saturated fat.
THE RED ANTS OF THAILAND WITH EAT ALMOST ANYTHING. MY WIFE BOUGHT CORN OIL. SHE SPILLED SOME ON THE COUNTER. THE ANTS AVOIDED THE SATURATED FAT BY INCHES. MY WIFE WANTED TO THROW IT OUT. I STOPPED HER AND USED IT AS INSECT DETERRENT.
2. Your car’s planet-destroying A/C. No matter how guilty you feel about your carbon footprint, you don’t have to swelter on the highway to the beach. After doing tests at 65 miles per hour, the mileage experts at edmunds.com report that the aerodynamic drag from opening the windows cancels out any fuel savings from turning off the air-conditioner.
I AGREE WITH HIS STATEMENT, BUT ROADS DESTROY AND CARS KILL. THE AC ISN’T REALLY AN ISSUE SINCE POLLUTION FROM THE MANUFACTURE OF A CAR OR SUV OR MANLY PICK-UP ( I LIKE THE OLD FORD 150 ) OUTSTRIPS ALL HARM COMING FROM THE EXHAUST PIPE.
3. Forbidden fruits from afar. Do you dare to eat a kiwi? Sure, because more “food miles” do not equal more greenhouse emissions. Food from other countries is often produced and shipped much more efficiently than domestic food, particularly if the local producers are hauling their wares around in small trucks. One study showed that apples shipped from New Zealand to Britain had a smaller carbon footprint than apples grown and sold in Britain.
AND THESE FRUITS TASTE ALL THE SAME ALTHOUGH MASS-SUICIDISTS DON’T EAT VEGETABLE OR FRUIT.
4. Carcinogenic cellphones. Some prominent brain surgeons made news on Larry King’s show this year with their fears of cellphones, thereby establishing once and for all that epidemiology is not brain surgery — it’s more complicated.
ONCE MORE THE REAL HARM FROM THESE DEVICES ARE THEIR MANUFACTURE, DISPOSAL AND THE ABILITY OF GOVERNMENTS AND CORPORATION TO DEEP-MINED THROUGH SEAMS OF YOUR LIFE. SHUT OFF YOUR PHONE AND YOU WILL BE FREE.
As my colleague Tara Parker-Pope has noted, there is no known biological mechanism for the phones’ non-ionizing radiation to cause cancer, and epidemiological studies have failed to find consistent links between cancer and cellphones.
THE HARM FROM CELLPHONES IS THEIR ADDICTIVE COUNTER-REALITY AND USSERS INABILITY TO RECOGNIZE THEIR DISCONNECT FROM HUMANITY.
It’s always possible today’s worried doctors will be vindicated, but I’d bet they’ll be remembered more like the promoters of the old cancer-from-power-lines menace — or like James Thurber’s grandmother, who covered up her wall outlets to stop electricity from leaking.
Driving while talking on a phone is a definite risk, but you’re better off worrying about other cars rather than cancer.
5. Evil plastic bags. Take it from the Environmental Protection Agency : paper bags are not better for the environment than plastic bags. If anything, the evidence from life-cycle analyses favors plastic bags. They require much less energy — and greenhouse emissions — to manufacture, ship and recycle. They generate less air and water pollution. And they take up much less space in landfills;
PLASTIC IS JUST THE TRASH FROM THE PRODUCTION OF OIL. THESE DIABOLICAL CORPORATIONS HIRE MIT CHEM GRADS TO PROMOTE TOXIC FOREVER PLASTIC AS A BOON TO SOCIETY. THE LARGEST HUMAN EDIFICE USED TO THE STATEN ISLAND LANDFILL. IT HAS BEEN CLOSED FOR YEARS, YET METHANE CLOUDS SEEP FROM THE MOUNTAIN. BBUT FUCK IT NEW JERFSEY AND STATEN ISLAND ARE USED TO POLLUTION, SHIT WHEN WE WERE KIDS IN THE 50S WE RAN THROUGH THE DDT FOG.
6. Toxic plastic bottles. For years panels of experts repeatedly approved the use of bisphenol-a, or BPA, which is used in polycarbonate bottles and many other plastic products. Yes, it could be harmful if given in huge doses to rodents, but so can the natural chemicals in countless foods we eat every day. Dose makes the poison.
But this year, after a campaign by a few researchers and activists, one U.S. government panel expressed some concern about BPA in baby bottles. Panic ensued. Even though there was zero evidence of harm to humans, Wal-Mart pulled BPA-containing products from its shelves, and politicians began talking about BPA bans. Some experts fear product recalls that could make this the most expensive health scare in history.
Nalgene has already announced that it will take BPA out of its wonderfully sturdy water bottles. Given the publicity, the company probably had no choice. But my old blue-capped Nalgene bottle, the one with BPA that survived glaciers, jungles and deserts, is still sitting right next to me, filled with drinking water. If they ever try recalling it, they’ll have to pry it from my cold dead fingers.
THERE IS NO CLEAN RAIN WATER LEFT ON EARTH. YOUR DEAD FINGERS MIGHT BE COMING FASTER THAN JOHN TIERNEY THOUGHT.
7. Deadly sharks. Throughout the world last year, there was a grand total of one fatal shark attack (in the South Pacific), according to the International Shark Attack File at the University of Florida.
LAST YEAR SHARKS ATTACKED TWENTY-SEVEN SWIMMERS AND SURFERS IN USA WATERS. NONE OF DRY LAND.
8. The Arctic’s missing ice. The meltdown in the Arctic last summer was bad enough, but this spring there was worse news. A majority of experts expected even more melting this year, and some scientists created a media sensation by predicting that even the North Pole would be ice-free by the end of summer.
So far, though, there’s more ice than at this time last summer, and most experts are no longer expecting a new record. You can still fret about long-term trends in the Arctic, but you can set aside one worry: This summer it looks as if Santa can still have his drinks on the rocks.
SANTA’S NORTH POLE MIGHT BE ICE-FREE BY THE END OF THIS DECADE. GET READY FOR SOME SERIOUS SURF.
9. The universe’s missing mass. Even if the fate of the universe — steady expansion or cataclysmic collapse — depends on the amount of dark matter that is out there somewhere, you can rest assured that no one blames you for losing it. And most experts doubt this collapse will occur during your vacation.
THE PENULTIMATE LEAST OF MY WORRIES.
10. Unmarked wormholes. Could your vacation be interrupted by a sudden plunge into a wormhole? From my limited analysis of space-time theory and the movie “Jumper,” I would have to say that the possibility cannot be eliminated. I would also concede that if the wormhole led to an alternate universe, there’s a good chance your luggage would be lost in transit.
WHAT ME WORRY? JOHN TIERNEY SERVES THE RULING CLASS.
But I still wouldn’t worry about it, In an alternate universe, you might not have to spend the rest of the year fretting about either dark matter or sickly rodents. You might even be able to buy one of those Nalgene bottles.
SOME LAST WORDS TO JOHN TIERNEY AND NY TIMES
“POG MO THOIN.”