James’ drinking hasn’t lessened a single degree, in fact it has worsened over the last few days. Mark Amitin said that James was terribly infatuated with me, which was the main cause of his insane drunkenness. Looks like I’ll have to head north or west sooner than I thought, because of this unstable environment. No way I will submit to his lust. Moving will suck, but there’s little else I can do for both our sanities.
Fletcher was right.
I have been living on unemployment, but need to get a job. Mark and I are trying to work out something on his ALBEE DIRECTS ALBEE project. I need something now. James’ obsession is intolerable.
I’ll write a story about it and then beat feet, if I get enough money to go west.
Arggh!!!
Everything I do is so fucked up.
No, the world is fucked up.
Me too.
LATER
Ro and I meet on Brooklyn Heights, our first time in weeks. She and I explained how we feel, and then argue. Two counter-forces easily able to pull away from each other. Ro can be as vicious as she wants to be, however it’s not as effective as before, when whatever she said crippled me.
“Why do I always have to define my relationship with you. I never have to do that with Kirk.”
“That’s because Kirk is gay.”
“His being gay doesn’t make me not love him. I don’t need sex from him. Only love.”
She is content within his circle of friends and it’s obvious that there’s nothing sexual between them, which should make me accept her dependence on those who don’t threaten her.
“Unlike me.”
AS we stood before 51 Remsen Street, I told her that I would try and sese here again. She answered, “I don’t know why, but I’ve always seen you whenever you asked to see me.”
She was right, but we continued to fire salvos at each other and I said, “After our first month you became unapproachable. Any movement to get close to you was doomed to failure, but in that hopelessness came freedom to do as I chose, regardless of my losses. I was hurt, but too used to being hurt had its advantages. I see the blows coming before they hit or hurt and I can live with that.”
She climbed the stairs and said, “Masochist.”
“I’ll be back for more. Promise.”