Several years ago my friend, Sam Royalle, suspected his girlfriend was seeing another man.

“How do you know that?” Farangs don’t understand how hard it was for a Thai woman to be with a westerner.

They don’t speak the same language. Their tastes in food, movies, music, and humor were complete opposites. No matter how hard a Thai woman worked to be farang she will always be Thai and vice versa.

“She’s always late.”

“Thais are always late.” Thai girlfriends normally were having too much fun doing what they’re doing to be with their farang.

“She never answers her phone.”

“Bad coverage.” I knew all the excuses.

“That’s what she said.”

Not answering her phone was very suspect. Thais love speaking on the phone. Actually they love the sound of their voices, if only to not have silence, since silence opens the door for ghosts and nothing scares a Thai more than the thought of a ghost or ‘phew’.

“And she comes home smelling like she just showered.”

“Thais like being clean.” I always have suspected that Thai girls shower after sex to erase any evidence of sex, although the Thai police insisted that criminals can’t leave fingerprints on another body.

“It could be nothing.”

“It wouldn’t bother me if he was farang, but I think he’s Thai.” Sam had more than a hunch. He had seen a Thai man driving his car. She had said it was her cousin. The possibility of this being the truth was about .0001%, because Thai women in a relationship with farangs gravitated to Thai men for the comfort of a shared culture. I regarded the situation more as polygamy than infidelity.

One world Thai.

One world farang.

Can’t we live together as one?

I learned the hard way that the answer is no.

Sam’s girlfriend confessed to having an affair with a Thai man. Said he was a long-time friend.

“Said it was only three months.”

“Maybe.”

Sam Royalle threw her out of the house without torturing her to find out if it was three months or six.

“She’ll be back when she breaks up with him.”

“Okay.”

Thai women always have a boyfriend in the background. 100% and this week a German farang hung himself rather than leave his girlfriend alone. Suicide was the only way he could be sure she didn’t cheat on him.

What is wrong with these farangs?

Magic love potions?

I was poisoned with one and the only remedy is to have a woman stand over a pot of steaming rice and have her sweat drip into the pot and eat it. The rice tastes a little fishy, but I think it works and certainly would save a lot of people from a death before their time.

For those desperate men ask the cook for Khao nam-lai puying.

The life you save maybe your own.