Like most farangs I had a hard time learning Thai.

I can tell a joke, although my wife says that I speak with funny accent.

“You should hear my German.”

Speaking a foreign language with a Boston accent has never been easy.

One on one I catch the drift of the speaker’s meaning, but in a large group most of the conversation is spoken too fast for my ears to translate, but one day I was arguing with a woman from whom I rented a motorcycle. I had slightly scratched the front fender. Other scraps graced the bike. She wanted 1000 baht to replace the fender. I knew that was too much and countered with 200. We couldn’t meet in the middle and she spat, “Yet mung.”

I’ve been called many things in many languages.

Thanks to Hollywood most nationalities know how to say “Fuck you”.

I instantly realized she had said the Thai version of the f-word, although when I asked anyone what this meant, they all said, “You can not say that.”

“You can, why can’t I?”

“Can not.”

Anytime I have since asked about swears, the Thais smile and say they don’t know any bad words. I think they are lying since most swearing occurs behind the wheel of a vehicle and judging from the faces of drivers I have cut off, there seems to be a broad vocabulary for slagging off both farangs and their own countrymen.

I’ve picked up a little by eavesdropping and made up a few like hua-kee or shithead, which my Thai friends say doesn’t really get anyone worked up, but was one of my hometown favorites.

In really it’s better to keep it simple and stay with what the locals use

I advise you not to use them too often.

And be very careful no one can catch you either.

Back in the 90s a German gave a finger to a local in Chiang Mai. A year goes by and the Thai shoots the German dead. Like an elephant he had a memory. Better to use the following words against farangs. Always makes the Thais smile.

Farang ba = Stupid foreigner (we?’ve all been called this)
Yet = Fuck
Kuay = Cock (banana also. Amazing how some words have different meanings)
Ai sat = Twat
Kwai = Buffalo (we all know what this means MOOOOO)
Hoop baak = Shut up (my wife’s favorite expression when I’m talking about $.
Orn kuay = Suck cock
I hayer = Son of a bitch
Gengri = Whore
Farang keenohk = Birdshit foreigner (Actually said because you’re cheap)
Chong mang = I don’t give a fuck
Ga-ree = Whore, Slut
Dollair = Bullshitter ( sort of the bad version of barg wan or sweet mouth)
Sudd-Na-Rok = Damned Devi
Tood-Muek = Asshole
Gook Kuay = Damned Penis
Na-Hee = Cuntface
Ai Na Dad = Clit face (Very vulgar)
Hee mah = Dog pussy
Gratoey = Homosexual
Yet ped = Duck fucker
Hee = Pussy
Baan poh mung = Bullshit (lit. your father’s house)
Naa maw = Flirt (vulgar)
Laew = Evil (vulgar)
Baa = Crazy (vulgar)
Chuk wow = (male) Masturbate (lit. fly kite) (this I understand very well)
Tob bhed = (female) Masturbate (lit. fishing) (no woman will admit to doing this)
Kun Heeat = A lizard that eats garbage (quite vulgar!)
Mai chawp khun, dag ling = I don’t like you, monkey arse
Som nam nah! = In your face! (probably the #2 Thai expression used by farangs
Nah peeh = Ghost face
Hua kuai = Dickhead
Heeh men = Smelly pussy

Caution

Don’t ever use the next eight.

I only added these so you understand what is being said to you.
Mung = Highly derogative form of ‘you’
Goo = Highly arrogant form of ‘me’
Loog-Ga-Ree = Son of the bitch
Por Mung Tai = Wish your father dead
Mae-Mung-Tai = Wish your mother dead
Yet Por = Fuck your father
Hee mae mang = Fuck your mother
Mae mung = Your mom (yo mamma)

I only use about 4-5 of these words a day unless I’m driving and then I use them all, but only with the windows shut. It’s one thing to use bad language and it’s quite although to have people hear you go into a Tourette’s Syndrome frenzy.