Everyday spam promoting the use of various male-oriented products floods my email inbox.

Increase your sperm load.

Grow 3-4 inches of penis instantly.

Viagra for renewed sexual vitality.

Having lived in Pattaya throughout the 90s and 00s I understand their targeting a man in his 50s surrounded by go-go bars, bars, and promenades of promiscuity. A man with my demoraphics wants sex and he wants it now, but there was a urban legend particular to Pattaya that the local hospitals were bodybagging 50 to 60 middle-aged western males per month.

The Thai coroner was kind with his cause of death, however their cardiac arrests were usually the result of too much excess at one time, for freed of their purgatorial lives in the West, farang men hit Pattaya like a cowboy off the range.

These lustful pilgrims spy the girl of their porno fantasies onstage at a go-go. She’s less than half their age and some objects of desire are even a third as young, since old boys arrive in the Last Babylon like it’s the fabled elephants’ final resting place, however chronic penile dysfunction was a buzzkill for an old timer in bed with a 19 years-old go-go dancer with skin smooth as silk.

The old gits remedied this affliction with a Viagra. ‘Blue boys’ revved his heart to energize his loins for a ‘money shot’. His temples throbbed with pain from the overload to the system and the farang ignored the warning lights until a capillary imploded in his heart.

A groan and a clutch of his heart frightened the go-go girl, who fled the hotel room and the next morning the old geezer was put into cold-storage by the Pattaya Police.

I can understand why farang men buy sexual performance drugs, but why would anyone in the USA buy the stuff, since none of them are having sex with the living?

There was only one answer.

American men were purchasing Viagra, penis size growth pills, and pumps to aid their masturbation, while watching internet porn.

Viagra to get wood.

Zinc pills to increase sperm load to masturbate.

Endurance drugs to lengthen the time of masturbation.

A scary thought, which was why I don’t shake any men’s hands in America anymore.

There was no telling where it’s been.

Worst was when the Pentagon announced that they wanted to dose the mountain troops in Afghanistan with Viagra to aid their breathing in the high altitude.

Now that’s some real military genius.

Have a bunch of soldiers take Viagra and walk through sheep-ridden mountains with Superman erections for eight hours.

They would be better off with coca leaves.

Of course that was against the law.

Pattaya has cured me of porno and I don’t even feel the need to be an ancient XXX star ever since having met my hero back in 1986.

That winter I was staying North Hollywood with my cousin. Sherri was a veteran porn star.

One evening the phone rang.

The mumbling caller was Harry Reems, the star of DEEP THROAT. He was bad shape from drugs.

We called the 911. The operator informed me that EMS didn’t go to that address anymore, since Harry had reached his limit of near-death experiences.

Sherri and I drove over his Hollywood Hills bungalow. The trip in the rain on the Hollywood Freeway was life-threatening, since my cousin was legally blind.

Upon arrival we found Harry sprawled on his bed at death’s door. We brought him back to life from a minor overdose.

In the morning he was back to normal and ready to meet his public, who were demanding another stellar XXX performance. He asked if I wanted to be an extra.

I turned him down, because even if you haven’t skated on thin ice, sometimes you have to know when to hang up your skates.