I’m half-Irish. I wear a size 10 shoe. Not once have I ever dropped my trousers and heard a woman say, “Not with that you don’t.”
Once I mentioned transplanting a donkey penis and my doctor scoffed saying, “Your body doesn’t possess enough blood to engorge such a monster. You’d probably pass out before you had a half a Woodie.”
Nick and I go back to university and he hasn’t killed me yet, so I heeded his advice against such an operation, despite knowing that the greatest lie in the world is not ‘the check’s in the mail’, but ‘size doesn’t matter’ as the Thomas Cook Travel Agency discovered when a honeymooner on an African safari complained about feeling inadequate after witnessing a bull elephant frolicking with a female pachyderm.
I understand his pain, for according to National Geographic average length of an African elephant penis is about 2 meters and most of it is not visible. It weighs about 25 kg or 55 lbs.
It’s a good thing he didn’t go on a whale-watching trip.
Humpback whales are endowed with 10 foot cocks.
Worst than inadequate is ‘insignificant’.