On my first visit to Pattaya in 1991 I went to the Marine Disco and picked up a girl. We had sex. More than once. Nothing bad happened. She didn’t get pregnant. I didn’t contract an STD (sexually transmitted disease) and we didn’t get married. We were lucky, since I hadn’t been wearing a condom.

No one comes to Pattaya for the water. Not the beaches, maybe the golf, but thousands of men past their prime arrive in the Last Babylon with expectations of fulfilling fantasies previously available only through fast-forward action of a porno DVD.

Girls. Girls Girls.

Pattaya has more girls than you can shake a stick at and almost all of them will say yes, but yes does not mean yes to everything.

CONDOM USE

“Feels like taking a shower with a raincoat.” Many men quote from an anonymous source about condoms.

Wearing a ‘French envelope’ might be not as pleasurable as bare-backing your tattooed and pierced sex kitten in a cheap short-time hotel off the Beach Road, but the casual tourist has to consider the risks of this action, which is not easy after swilling a dozen beers and ingesting 2 Viagra.

In the early 90s Thailand was beset by AIDS. NGOs blamed the pandemic on the sex trade. The real reason was that the DEA had eradicated opium plants and the hill tribes started shooting heroin with swapped needles. The sex trade was also at fault and the government waged a very effective publicity campaign to educate women of the benefits of using a condom.

Condoms are now a fact of life in Pattaya.

While not 100% effective, they cut down on the risks of catching anything you wouldn’t want from a toilet seat.

Many men complain about ‘rubberitis’ i.e. the touch of latex leading to dreaded loss of wood before coitus-a-g-go. I suggest cutting down on your alcohol consumption, having sex before 3am, or take a blue boy to adjust any chemical imbalance. (caution – it is rumored that scores of middle-aged farangs are admitted to the local hospitals after suffering a heart failure as an after-effect of taking a Viagra). While condoms diminish pleasure, you can still achieve ejaculation and that’s all men are really after in sex.

If a woman wants a friend, then she can buy a dog.

Here’s some pointers about Condom Use

Use latex condoms.

Brands such as Lifestyle, Trojans, Kimono, or Durex are usually reliable. Natural skin condoms feel good, but do not prevent diseases. If you or your partners are allergic to latex (it might give you a rash or irritation), try the polyurethane condom called Avanti.

Get the right size. In the USA the condom makers downsized their product one step to make men think they had bigger penises. You might not be the XXL you thought you were, so check the size first. Also some girls will offer you a smaller size if only to cut off the blood from its appointed destination. If the shoe doesn’t fit don’t wear it.

Lubricate!

Most condoms come with some lubrication inside. Whether you believe it not most of the women you bed in Pattaya are not into sex because you look like Brad Pitt. Spit is nice in your videos, but Thai girls think it’s disgusting. And butter despite Marlon Brando using it in LAST TANGO IN PARIS ruins hotel sheets.

For the pleasures of intercourse without discomfort, you will probably want to use additional lubricant on the outside of the condom… use only water-soluble lubricants that do not irritate you or your partner… never use petroleum-based lubricants or other oils or jellies because these will rot latex and cause damage to your condoms.

Use care to roll the condom down the shaft of your penis as soon as you get erect. (If you’re uncircumcised, you’ll probably need to pull your foreskin back before putting the condom on). Pinch the reservoir at the top of the condom so that there’s no air bubble trapped inside the condom (air bubbles can cause breakages). Some girls are orally adept at equipping your member and you’d never know it happened until after the moment of joy.

Beware of jewelry or sharp fingernails as these can cause small rips or tears in a condom (which later lead to breakages). That also goes for larger objects too.

Keep the condom firmly on your penis until you ejaculate. Then, if you are inside your partner withdraw and carefully remove the condom and dispose of it. Use a new condom each time you come inside your partner. Unless you are really cheap.

If you want a kid or a dose of the clap, try some bare-back bronco riding.

Nothing like that first burning sensation or getting a phone call from your teelat.

“We have to talk.”

Law ke khun or up to you.