Every time I visit my tailor for shirts, he asks why I don’t buy any ties. I tell Pinky that I wore them for most of my life and don’t see the point of wearing them in Pattaya. Like who am I trying to impress?

My drunken friends or the madam of the Buffalo Bar?

I don’t think so, but occasionally I spot farang men wearing ties in Pattaya. Most look like missionaries, however it got me to thinking on what occasion would a tie be appropriate in Thailand.

The four most popular reasons in the West for wearing a tie are weddings, funerals, seeing a judge in court, and because your stupid boss told you to wear one.

Sporting a cravat at your wedding sets a bad impression in that your Thai relatives might think you have more money than they had previously imagined and they’ll start hounding your loving bride to fleece you at a previously unimaginable rate. Not that she wants to exploit you, but Thai women put their families before a farang. It’s just the natural order of things.

Funerals is another event for a tie, however no one is going to waste 100 baht of buying you a tie if you are a stiff. A farang would be lucky to get a clean set of clothing on your corpse for your final voyage to the homeland or the nearest incinerator.

A tie presents respectability in a court of law back in the West and the same value is matched in Thailand. The judge will look at you standing there all handsome and say, “Alright, add a zero to the fine.”

Finally the work place.

Unless you are a salaried wage slave for a corporation sucking out your life’s blood, then there is no acceptable reason to wear a tie, unless it is to goof on those who have to wear a tie every day and in that case wear the loudest and most out-of-date tie possible and by all means don’t worry about any food stains. After all ties started out as scarves that we used for wiping your mouth after a good meal. Why should now be any different?