During the Viet-Nam war some bright minds decided to inject elephants with flatulence medicine in hopes of flushing the VC out of the jungle with the pachyderms’ farts. The strategy failed to take into consideration windage and several grunt mahouts were hospitalized with severe methane poisoning ala JACKASS 2.

The Pentagon attracted more schemers than dreamers and recently counter-intelligence pundits planned on distributing Viagra to the mountain soldiers in Afghanistan. Supposedly the penile hardener would ameliorate the heroes’ breathing ability in the high altitudes. Church leaders close to the White House forced teh Pentagon to abandon this tactic, fearing that men separated from the wives for years at a time would turn to homosexuality if constantly aroused by Viagra.

Better they chew coca leaves.

These two failures haven’t deterred the Pentagon think tanks from new follies.

Now it’s anti-terrorist dolphins and seals.

The US Navy has trained dozens of dolphins and sea lions to detect and apprehend waterborne attackers. The first test would send 30 California sea lions and Atlantic Bottlenose dolphins from the Navy’s Marine Mammal Program in San Diego to protect Kitsap-Bangor Naval base on the Puget Sound from crafty sea swimming Arab terrorists and anti-war activists.

Environmentalist complain that the US Navy is endangering the sea mammals by putting them in colder waters than their native California, however the Navy says that they have fabricated special wet suits for the seals and dolphins, enabling them to endure the frigid seas for hours.

“Another consideration is that the dolphins can’t racial profile, so they will check out anyone in the water, not just Arabs or Muslims.” A Navy spokesman said and then added, “We are also thinking about giving them Viagra to the dolphins to increase their blood flow to heat their body better.

A bad idea.

A man in the UK was arrested by the police for sexually abusing a harbor dolphin. He was cleared after marine biologists confirmed that male dolphins often extend their penises as a sign of greeting. The man was given probation and order to stay 20 feet from the shoreline.

Of course dolphins on Viagra would please female swimmers in the Bahamas who fornicate with the sea-going studs above a shallow shoal off a coral reef. This zoophilic practice was mentioned in Ted Mooney’s 1981 novel EASY TRAVEL TO SMALL PLANETS, in which Navy researchers have sexual liaisons with the dolphins they are trained for anti-terrorist protection.

The Pentagon once more.

In reality the Navy wants to replace its marine mammal program with machines. “But the technology just isn’t there yet. The value of the marine mammals is we’ve been doing this for 35 years and we’ve ironed out all the kinks.”

Tell that to the girls in the Bahamas.

The male dolphin’s penis is 10-14 inches in length and can come 14 feet.

Hello John Holmes Flipper.

Can a girl shake your hand?

The actress Jessica Alba told MTV that during the filming of FLIPPER that several of her aquatic co-stars hit on her. “I don’t know if anybody knows this but dolphins get excited, even when you are a human being – and they have long, long… (penises). I didn’t know this until I was being poked by a few of them, which was very rude. I think I learned my lesson. I sort of request female dolphins after that because those are horny little bastards.”

For more info go to:

http://www.sexwork.com/family/dolphins1.html