Pattaya Thailand is packed with fitness buffs beefing up their muscles. Many of these foreigners devote hours at the gym to reanimate forgotten muscles. Others short-cut the demanding regime by shooting up steroids. Rippling musculature within weeks and a smaller penis too. They combat penile dysfunction with ingestions of Viagra and snort ketamine to calm their anger. Lovely combo and I avoid the juice muscle monkeys like the plague. I can see them coming from far off, so when I spotted photos of Vladmir Putin on vacation, I said to myself, “Someone is hitting the gym candy a little hard.”

The Russian Prime Minister posed for photographers bare-chested on a horse in Siberia. The photos were beefcake shots for gay men everywhere. Very Tom of Finland and he remains the homosexual community’s #1 poster boy.

No gay guys hit on me anymore, even though I’m 57 like Putin. His tits are firm. Mine are in need of some exercise or surgery or even a stretch of steroids, but I did lose some weight during my recent trip to Thailand.

Down under 200. I challenged two 30 year-old Brits to a underwater race in a swimming pool. I won both for distance and speed. Putin is a karate expert. I fight dirty. I don’t think I would stand a chance against the Russian leader not unless I fought dirty like hit him from behind with a shovel. That tactic always levels the odds.

Not that I would want to meet him. He’s too much of a believer. My favorite Russian leader was Boris Yeltsin who was so drunk one time that he missed a meeting with Reagan. He was also sloshed the time he stormed out of the Moscow White House to quell a coup by communist hard-liners. Now he was a man. At least my kind of man.