If the greatest compliment is plagiarism, then the Thais are the best complimenters in the world. Fake watches, fake bags, fake love. Fake top 40 bands at beer bars cranking out dinosaur rock for those stuck in the 70s. Copies of your favorite meals. Even the soap operas follow the scripts of DALLAS , but I often have wondered why Thai TV never copied the #1 syndicated TV show in the world.

BAYWATCH

Bird McIntyre, the top Thai Idol, could play Michael Hasselhof’s role.

Any girls off the firepoles at the Nana Plaza could play the extra lifeguards.

Only one problem.

I’ve never seen a lifeguard in Thailand.

At top-end hotels perhaps, because they’re worried about a guest drowning and not being able to pay his minibar bill, but I’ve been to beaches all over Thailand and not seen one lifeguard.

Not at Pattaya, Jomtien, Hua Hin, Phuket, Koh Samui, Rayong, or Koh Khang.

Once you step in the ocean, you are on your own, which is why most Thai beach goers opt for the inner tube. 20 baht and you can float out over your head. Ain’t no one coming after you if you go under. I know it’s not politically correct, but Thais can’t swim worth a damn, yet somehow the males think that drinking lots of whiskey helps them swim.

Wrong, they have the buoyancy of a rock.

Once drowning, they’ll flail the water like a duck trying to take flight, but everyone else on the beach will be ignoring him, since they don’t want to get involved in case the police come on the scene and start asking too many questions.

To combat this problem a local sea rescue squad purchased a hovercraft for 10 million baht, however the contractor has yet to deliver the instruction book. Say it costs another million. In English too.

Last week the Pattaya sea rescue had a swimming test for its crews. two nearly drowned and the rest came out of the 200 meter swim like they had seen god.

But no one ever said Thai Babewatch babes had to go into the water.

And they don’t have to wear number either at least not for a soapie.

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