In the 1950s and 1960s and probably to present times teenage boys and grown men have searched for Spanish Fly in order to artificially transform their girlfriends into a sexual frenzy bordering on Beatlemania. No one knew what it was or where to find it, but everyone had heard that a cheerleader had been dosed with Spanish Fly before the big football game and the entire team scored, even the equipment manager.

This urban legend inspired millions of men to purchase unidentifiable powder from dubious sources to achieve more than first base with their girlfriends. The end result was failure or a slap in the face. Spanish fly was a myth, although this week the Thai FDA (Food and Drug Administration) prohibited the sale of a supposedly aphrodisiac spray over the Internet.

When I initially read the report I envisoned a cropduster clouding the streets with Eau de Sodom and Gomorrah, however RUSH and BLUE BOY come in 550ml bottles. The labels indicate the active ingrediants are n-butyl nitrite and isobutyl nitrite and the substance is to be used strictly as a spray to bring out the Mr. Hyde in Doctor Jekylls. This combination sounded ominously like a popper, which in the 1970s created a momentary spasm of sexual abandon for the Studio 54 crowd.

Qualludes, cocaine, poppers, Gloria Gaynor.

Babylon 1978.

Inhaling poppers was a lot like huffing glue and I was glad to hear that Thai authorities were on the lookout for RUSH, because the US FDA had concluded after tests that the concoction was lethal when combined with other recreational drugs, but legal prohibition has never succeeded in stopping man for the pursuit of pleasure.

The original Spanish Fly was a beetle and excretes a cantharidin which is reputed to irritate the flesh. Peasants harvested the beetles from trees for the nobility, for when ingested by humans the substance causes an inflammation in the genitals and supposedly drives women crazy with a maddening desire to have their itch scratched. Cantharides are dangerous. The amount necessary to achieve a state of sexual frenzy is miniscule and like most things men think more is better than less. The Marquis de Sade was charged with poisoning after feeding Spanish Fly to a chambermaid. He was imprisoned in the Bastille and was one of the eight prisoners freed on July 14. That in mind most men have to make this choice.

Nymphomania versus permanent damage.

Most men would vote to pardon the Marquis de Sade to change their once a week girlfriend into a once every ten minutes whore. Of course few contemplate the reality of this demand is like trading in a moped for an 1100KZ turbo rocket bike. No man, no matter how much he brags is ready for the ride and insatiability gets boring, if your football game is coming on before the drug loses its potency.

“Honey, but it’s the fourth quarter.”

Catharides are illegal, but used as incense in Santeria magic ceremonies.

Witchcraft, Marquis de Sade, nymphos.

What better advertising could you ask for?

Head shops and sex emporiums sell pseudo-Spanish Fly.

Suckers buy it hoping for a miracle, but the best aphrodisiac is love.

A woman in love will make love with you as many times in the day as there are hours to prove that this love is deeper than sex. She’ll call for more until you think you’ve tapped the mother lode of lust, however the honeymoon withers the first time you don’t put down the toilet seat.

Where is the lust?

In porno DVDs in America.

So fire up your computer. Put on the anonymizer. Drop a Viagra. Get out some love gels and make yourself comfortable, because this is the closest any man will get to insatiable, because they are answering a need within themselves not a woman.

And the mind is a terrible thing to waste.

And as Woody Allen said about his brain, “It’s my second favorite organ.”

Which is why women are smarter than men.