A speech the commander-in-chief will never make.

My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of
Iraq regime has been completed. 

Since Congress does not want to spend any more money
on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal
of all American forces from Iraq. This action will
be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the
reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the
names of countries which have stood by our side
during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The
United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and
Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first
list. Most of the world’s nations are on that list.
My press secretary will be distributing copies of
both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately,
foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases
immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during
the first year alone will pretty much pay for the
costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour
money into third world Hellholes and watch those
government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic?
Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work
to redirect this money toward solving the vexing
social problems we still have at home. On that note,
a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and
we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your
friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try
France, or maybe China.

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic
relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks
for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from
NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to
begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located
in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking
tickets to sites where those vehicles will be
stripped, shredded and crushed. I don’t care about
whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have
tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those
tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes,
Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the

finest chop shops in the world. I love New York. 

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List
2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of
each other, you folks might want to try not pissing
us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his
entire corrupt government really need an attitude
adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and
infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am
going to put em? Yep, border security.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the
NAFTA treaty – starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately,
we’ll be drilling for oil in Alaska – which will
take care of this country’s oil needs for decades to
come. If you’re an environmentalist who opposes this
decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a
country and move there. They care.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare
and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of
isolationism. I answer them by saying, “darn
tootin.”

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a
decent life around the world has only earned us the
undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet.
It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is
time to eliminate homelessness in America.  To the
nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys.
We owe you and we won’t forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might
want to learn to speak Arabic.

God bless America. Thank you and good night.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are
reading it in English, thank a soldier.