Bill Clinton will be 60 on Saturday. At that age you are closer to 100 than 20. No matter what ageing baby-boomers says, 60 is not a 21st Century 40. Says 60 to someone 20 and they’ll turn you off faster than an outdated video game.
Of course when you’re president, absolute power shaves off a few years. 6 years after the fact the young girls in the crowd don’t really get turned on by the term ‘former president’.
Not like Monica Lewinsky.
My friends and I were sitting in the bar the other night praising Slick Willie. Nick said, “What Bill needs is a trip to Pattaya.”
“A night with a couple of go-go girls from Heaven would cut a few years off his age.” Stanley was awake after another night on the town. He was been everywhere and looked like crap. At 59 he was only one year behind Clinton, although there was no way Hillary would let Bill drink like Stanley. Not while she was running for Senator.
“In what direction?” Those girls took no prisoners.
“You’re only as old as the woman you sleep with.” Stanley would have used another word for a ‘woman’, but we had admonished him for his sexist terminology.
“You know we’ve all seen the girls Bill slept with.” Nick was UK navy. He hated Tony Blair as a second rate Clinton. “Paula Jones. She had a nose like a shark fin.”
“Wasn’t there a joke about how Bill had a 12 inch dick because that was the only way he could get oral from Paula.” Stanley laughed although the joke had lost it’s bad taste years ago.
“He did Barbra Streissand too.”
“Girls with big noses are good in bed.” My patriotic duty necessitated by defending the 42nd commander in chief.
What about Jennifer Flowers? She looked like a hooker working at an Alaskan pipeline brothel and Monica? Can’t the most powerful man in the world get something tasty?”
“You’re never alone. and you have your lesbo wife hanging around knowing you want to take advantage of your position.” I had admired how Clinton had downgraded fellatio from sex to something else.
“Well, he’s not president now. He should come out here for his birthday.” Stanley was already on his 5th beer and this was the best idea he could come up with before he went to sleep drunk. Nick thought so too and said, “You’re American. You should be the one to invite him. I’ll pay his ticket.”
“You will?”
“How many times in your life do you get a chance to go go-going with a president?” Nick was SMSing his mates at the biggest betting bar in Pattaya to inform them of this project. “GW Bush would have been here in a heartbeat if there was some cocaine invoved. He loved strippers.”
“We’re all patrons of the arts.” I had spent thousands to help go-gos.
“His father was a square.” Dave said from behind the bar.
“That’s not true.” My sister in law worked for GW senior at the CIA. “My sister in law had an affair with him.”
“Okay, you can’t tell me that Ronald Reagan had sex in the White House.” Nick had read this in the Evening Standard.
“What about Nancy and Frank Sinatra? Heard Ronnie was banging on the bedroom door telling them he had to go to bed.” Dave got his news from the Inquirer and pot conversations with Stanley.
“Jimmy Carter might have.”
“But only in the missionary position and that doesn’t count on Soi 6.” Stanley liked Soi 6. Those girls weren’t interested in falling in love with a farang. Only sex. Quick fast and next.
“We’re not bringing Clinton to Soi 6.”
“What about Heaven?” Stanley liked the place although he thought the drinks were too expensive. “I know just the girls.”
“He could go upstairs without anyone seeing him.” Nick knew the drill.
“Hillary would know.”
“Hey, what happens in Pattaya stays in pattaya, unless you don’t wear a condom.” Stanley was a mad Aussie from Tas, but no fool until he had more than 10 beers.
“So that’s it.” Nick ordered a round. “We’ll invite him. If he doesn’t come that’s his own fault. 60 is 60. But it’s never old here.”
We all drank to that, because I’m proud of Old Bill. He’s the last president for whom I voted. Actually I didn’t vote in the last two elections.
GW thinks he’s Jesus and Al Gore oked SUVs and John Kerry is just a gigolo. Better to re-elect Slick Willie or at least bring him to Pattaya, because a man like him is too good to keep from going down.